Support for Family, Friends & Partners
It is often difficult to know how to support a victim or survivor of sexual violence. It is a natural reaction to struggle to know what to say and how to act; especially when you could feel helpless, angry, upset, nervous, overwhelmed, traumatised, guilty, scared or confused – all of which are natural reactions to a person close to you opening up about being sexually assaulted or raped.
Many people are afraid of saying or doing the ‘wrong thing’ but one of the most important things you can do for your friend/ partner/family member is to listen to them and believe what they are telling you without any judgement. You do not have to be an expert with all the right answers and advice. If you offer a safe space for them to talk and for you to listen, you are already making it easier for them.
Many people are afraid of saying or doing the ‘wrong thing’ but one of the most important things you can do for your friend/ partner/family member is to listen to them and believe what they are telling you without any judgement. You do not have to be an expert with all the right answers and advice. If you offer a safe space for them to talk and for you to listen, you are already making it easier for them.
Don't...
Ask why they did not tell someone sooner. Fear of not being believed and fear of the perpetrator finding out they have told someone can delay a victim from opening up about their traumatic experience. We must trust and respect when they choose to talk about what happened to them.
Show any doubt or distrust in what they tell you. It is important to listen to them and believe what they telling you.
Make them talk about anything they are not ready to discuss. Let the person decide when they feel ready to open up about their experience.
Tell them what to do. We must offer a safe space for them to feel empowered to be in control. We can offer advice and help them explore options that are available.
Ask them why they did not fight back. The victim should never have to justify their reaction. People can flight, freeze, fight or flop – there is no correct way to respond.
Invalidate their experience because it happened a long time ago. People can block out a traumatic experience as a coping strategy and may finally come to a stage in their life when they can talk about what happened to them.
Do...
Take time to listen to what they have to disclose. Understand it may take time for them to open up about everything and therefore patience must be practiced.
Believe what they tell you. We must believe victims and survivors or else we risk creating more of them. Believing encourages people to come forward.
Remember – they are not to blame. No-one wants or deserves to be abused. The blame lies with the abuser, not the survivor.
Respect the decisions they make and the emotions they may feel. There is no right or wrong way to handle this situation.
Empower survivors to take back control over their lives by making their own decisions. A major step towards healing is for them to regain a sense of control over their life.
Remember
• It is important to remember that it is okay for you not to have all the answers and that you do not have to be an expert in this situation.
• Just being present in their time of need is important in itself.
• Remember to look after yourself and be gentle with yourself.
• You may need some support too which is completely normal when supporting someone in pain and distress.
• Talking to someone in confidence can help you continue to be supportive.